So far, working at Cold Stone is a lot of fun. The co-workers are neat, the customers are mostly pleasant, and I'm already comfortable giving my manager shit. It's working out wonderfully! Whenever I tell people this, they reply with, "I hope that feeling lasts." Well, me too. But let's not think that far in the future.
A few customers have commented on my tattoos. One obnoxiously blonde girl asked if the tattoo shop I go to has clean needles. I told her no, they don't and that I have hepatitis. Another man gave me an expired coupon and when I pointed out that I can't use it because its... expired, he asked for it back. He said he'd come back tomorrow when my manager was working because he's pretty sure it's illegal to not accept an expired coupon. UM. WHAT?
Oh, and I accidentally gave a little girl a 4 month old waffle cone. I AM SO SORRY, LITTLE GIRL.
All in all, CS is sweet.
Now, on to serious matters...
I've been thinking a lot about life. I think I might be missing out by not going to school in another state. I'm not experiencing that going away to college thing and I don't know if I'm okay with that. I was thinking about Portland, but thinking maybe not. I don't think it's the city for me.
Next on my list of consideration - Denver, CO!
Maybe, maybe.
I just don't know if I can leave this city, my friends, my family. I just don't want to miss out on possible opportunities.
On a super serious note,
My grandma is having her surgery on Wednesday. I am so scared and nervous and I just feel like falling asleep and waking up to a perfect world. A perfect world where grandma is happy and healthy. I don't want to lose her. I hope all turns out to be well.
Not one to go to bed with bad thoughts,
I really want to make my apartment cute. I have Audrey Kawaski prints that need frames and to be hung on my wall... along with my picture frames of friends. I also want my apartment filled with fresh flowers. Everyday I walk by Trader Joe's and see all the fresh flowers and want them. But then I think about bringing them home to my cruddy dark apartment and lose interest.
I want a cute apartment. A cute life.
Saturday was the 4th anniversary of my grandpa passing away. Writing my last post, I realized that my grandpa's last words to me were, "Be good." Just like it was always the last thing he said before I would leave his house. So... I did what I do, I got tattooed.
It probably wasn't a wise financial decision, but my gut was telling me to do it. I started to feeling really guilty about not thinking about him all the time. I know it's normal, but it really killed me. Now, every time I see my wrist, I'll think of him.
My grandma is having her surgery on Wednesday. Please keep her in your thoughts and send positive vibes this way.
Today would've been my grandpa's 77th birthday.
He passed away four years ago on Saturday.
I was reading my journal entry about the week we went through before my grandpa died. Here are some of my favorite parts:
The nurse, Bill, was asking the basic questions. He was asking my grandma because he didn't want my grandpa to talk too much. He did have three questions he had to ask my papa though.
Bill: Herman, are you afraid of your caregiver? [Talking about my grandma]
Papa: *Nods*
Me: *Laughs*
Bill: Has she ever touched you in places you didn't want to be touched, against you consent?
Papa: *Nods*
Bill: But you liked that, didn't you?
Papa: *Nods*
The doctor came in and told us that he wanted to do the surgery on his heart to remove the fluid from the sack that surrounds the heart. My grandpa told us, while we were still in Fallbrook, he thought he'd feel a lot better after that was done. They got him ready and were going to move him to the operating room to do their thing. I came in and...Me: *Holds his hand* I love you, papa.
Papa: *squeezes my hand* I love you too, tiger.
Me: I will see you soon, then grandma and I will take you home.
Papa: *nods* Be good.
Me: Of course.
This part made my burst into tears.
My grandpa turns 73. We had a little party in his room. They still had him sedated he never got to read his cards or see his candy and balloons. The card my grandma got for him made me cry. She wrote "Come home soon, I sure do miss you" and at the bottom it said "I love you forever and ever. Your babe, Liz"
It's so scary because my grandma is dealing with a lot of health issues right now. We are currently waiting for her to be healthy enough to go in for bypass surgery.
My grandma came out and said "I feel like I have to call Herman and let him know what's going on and tell him I'll be home soon"
Grandpa, if you happen to have internet access in Heaven, welcome to my Vox! Isn't it neat? I'm sorry about my language, but I'm an adult now - I'm allowed to curse. Yes, I know it's not very ladylike but I'm okay with that.
Anyway, how're things up there? You better be keeping an eye on grandma. I know you probably miss her tons, but I want her to hang out a little while longer, okay?
You know how they say that time heals? Welp, if that's true, I must be a slow healer. Saturday will mark four years since your departure and I burst into tears whenever I think about you being gone. I miss you, dude. I don't really know what else to say. I'm sure you know it all already. Yea, I know what you're thinking when it comes to my tattoos. "If God meant for us to look like Christmas trees, he would've made us that way!" Please tell God that I don't think he did a bad job, but my body was kind of plain and really pale - perfect canvas.
Did you happen to see all those delicious baked goods I've been making lately? I wish you were around to share them with. Chocolate just isn't the same without you.
You know, you've been popping into some of my dreams. If we wanted to go along with that crazy Sylvia Brown, she believes that when the deceased show up in dreams, that's their way of visiting you. So, have you been visiting me or does Sylvia need to be put on some meds? If you are visiting me, say hi next time. You're always so quiet.
It's really getting late. You probably think I'm crazy for being up at this hour, so I should go to sleep. Speaking of sleep, do you guys sleep in Heaven? That'd be weird if you didn't because you loved your naps. Oh well, happy 77th birthday, papa! I miss you so much and I love you. I hope I'm making you proud down here. Be good.
PS; I haven't been to the horse races since you passed. I've been thinking about going, though. Is that cool? It wouldn't offend you, would it? Visit me in my dreams and tell me what number to pick and I will bet on it the next time I go. Only like a $2 bet, though. I'm not made out of money, silly.
Regarding the bags of melted Reese's peanut butter chips -
Richard: What were you doing with these? Sitting on them?
Brie: No, it's just from being in my hot truck this afternoon.
Me: Nooo! You were totally cuddling with them, weren't you?
Richard: Yea, like using them as pillows.
Brie: Actually, my boobs started getting really sweaty, so I put them under my boobs to keep them cool.
Everyone: Oh. My. Gawwwwd! *laughter
Me: Wow, Brie. That was beautiful.
Brie: I knew you'd like that one!
While doing dishes, Jason dropped a bunch of sheet pans in the water. Of course, it splashed everywhere.
Me: Way to go, Jason! Making a mess while the rest of us are trying to clean one up!
Jason: Did I get you wet?
Me: Hah. Well. Ummmm...
Jason: NO! I was talking about right now. With the dish water.
Me: Oh. Oh! Yea, no. Only my shoe.
While trying to pop a lid on a pie:
Me: I can't get it to stay in.
Jason: Do you always have this problem?
Me: No! Because I'm so good, it's usually getting it out that's the problem.
During clean up:
Richard: Someone needs to wipe down these tables.
Me: Someone needs to wipe down your mom!
Richard: Yea, they do! Actually, I'm sure a lot of people have wiped her down.
Me: What the hell? Am I ever going to offend you by talking about your mom?
Richard: No. You'll probably have to talk about someone else.
Me: Okay, well. Your daughter is a dingleberry!
Richard: Aw, man! Why you gotta talk about my daughter?
In other news, we had out bake sale tonight. Check it out!
I got a lot of crap at school for being a vegetarian. I get even more crap when I explain that I actually eat fish and other seafood so I'm actually a pescatarian. It's not a big deal to me, but it seems to bother EVERYONE around me. (I googled pecatarian, there's a lot of hate on the internet, too.) I don't understand why so many people concern themselves with what I put into my mouth. I don't eat "land animals" because I don't want to. I haven't for three years and I don't know if I ever will. But I will continue to eat my seafood friends because I enjoy it, it's good for me, and its my body, I'll do what I want!
I stopped by Mitsuwa this afternoon to pick up some groceries. I haven't had real food in a long time and my body really needed something that wasn't beans and rice. Which, by the way, has pretty much been the only thing I've been able to afford for the last two months. I picked up some miso soup, seaweed soup, seaweed salad, edamame, octopus, and eel. Grand total? $17.66!
Whooo knooows.
Just to be random, here is my cat, Rylie. She's more photogenic than Stella.
"These photographs make me want to flee — not flee anything in particular, but simply flee for the pure elation that comes from irresponsibly picking up and leaving. Because what starts as irresponsibility so often turns into opportunity, and sometimes you just need a little nudge to make that leap."
That basically sums up what I've been feeling for the last two years. I'm just waiting for my nudge.
Their story and their pictures make me envious and hopeful. One day, I will force myself to do something that daring.
It all started that morning when I woke up to a call from Cold Stone. I had an second interview with them at 11, so I got a little nervous when they were calling an hour before. It turned out that the owner didn't have time to meet with me but the manager liked me so much they decided to hire me without the second interview. Relief! Happiness! It may not be the best paying job, but it's something I enjoy... being surrounded by ice cream all day.
(I'm starting to think that this is where I am going to go with my life. Ice cream, desserts, sweets, happiness. I'm not really cut out for gourmet cuisine.)
So, I went in to fill out the hiring packet. As I was going through the rules, I came across one that might ruin the whole thing...
Ahem, I'm getting bored with this story. Wrapping it up - my tattoos are pretty and not offensive, so I don't have to hide them and I still have the job. Hallelujah!
As it turned out, he didn't hate me. But that little turd bullied me in the pool! It was totally a brother beating up sister move. He kept dunking me under the water, chasing me around the pool, and canon balling near me. It was a lot of fun, though. I'm glad I got to meet him and I'm glad we got along.
Emma and Marlee were awesome, as always. Emma started swimming with her head under the water for the first time and Marlee tried to swim without help.. not a good thing. They both asked for my brother, it melted my heart. I think Emma might have a crush. Heh.
It was a nice afternoon. I got to spend time with everyone AND! The parentals are buying me new shoes. Exciting for me because I need them for work and school. They're not cute, but they're necessary. Being broke makes you appreciate the necessary.
After a tiring afternoon running around with kids and swimming my ass off, coming home to hang out with Jeff was a nice relief. He spoiled me with food, The Simpsons Movie, and ice cream from 7-11.
Life's simple pleasures - getting a job, spending time with family, and being treated by your bff.
How about saying, "I can't believe he fell 50 feet! I hope he's okay!"
WTF, X games! You loons! He could've been dead!
However, being in the X Games make you super human, because dude just gets up and walks away. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
Reminds me of Miami Ink when that guy was telling the story of falling out of the 10th story window at a hotel.
Good news! I'm not losing my apartment anymore. I called the manager and explained why I had "unauthorized occupants" staying at my house. Lucky for me, my manager was EXTREMELY understanding and I am INCREDIBLY fortunate that she understood. I'm going to write her a little letter along with my rent check explaining how much it means to me. It is such a huge relief.
Another huge relief is having a few interviews lined up for the next couple of days. I was beginning to lose faith in myself and Craigslist. I hope at least one of them works out, I really need it. If I weren't so superstitious when it comes to this sort of thing, I'd share with you what I have lined up. I'm afraid I might jinx myself, so my lips are sealed.
It's definitely time for a hot shower and a full nights rest. I have a long two days ahead of me.
Just when I thought I successfully pulled myself out of that depression puddle I got yanked right back in. I got a letter in the mail today from the manager of my apartments informing me I have 30 days to vacate. It was my second violation for having unauthorized occupants in my apartment.
I don't know why it didn't occur to me to put Kyle on my lease. Maybe in the back of my mind I knew he wasn't going to last. He never tried to get a job, instead spent hours upon hours playing WoW. I just dropped the ball on that one.
I didn't put my brother on the lease because he's 16 and his stay was temporary. I didn't think I needed to inform my manager that my 16 year old brother was staying with me because my mom was in jail. That sort of thing is personal, embarrassing, and just not something I felt like telling someone I hardly know.
As soon as I got the notice, I called Brooke. Looking for comfort, I got the opposite.
"Hate to sound harsh, but this is your fault."
Hey, thanks! I'm quite aware.
"Well, the only thing to do now is start making plans."
Oh, Brooke. You and your plans.
I got annoyed and hung up with her. I don't want to hear about it being my fault, about how I need to do something, about how they aren't my ticket out, or about how bad I'm stressing them out. Yea, I might be stressing them out - but I'm the one losing my home.
Everything started crashing down on me. I kept getting more angry and more sad and more crazy by the minute. I started sending Jeff texts about how bad everything is.
"I seriously give up, I can't fucking do this."
His response, "You can, you have a month to get it together. It's going to get better."
Sorry, Jeff, but you're not winning any awards for talking ME off the ledge.
"I don't have a fucking job! I don't have anywhere to go! I'm in debt as it is. I can't get a private loan because I don't have a job. Even if I get a job, I'm not going to have enough money to get an apartment. I'm fucked, why can't anyone see that?"
By this time, I'm so angry. I want to bash something in. I want to shake something, throw it down the stairs, scream at it, spit on it, and then kick it. I don't care what it is, as long as it's not living.
Then I think about driving off of the Coronado Bridge.
My stomach starts growling. I take a break from my crazy thoughts and head for the kitchen. I don't have much, but I do have garlic, red potatoes, and whole wheat bread. Awesome, I love carbs. I start chopping my potatoes and I can feel my bad mood slowly lift off my shoulders. I start cooking the food and suddenly everything is drifting away. I'm not as angry, sad, or completely defeated.
By the time I finish eating my garlic red potato sandwich (Yes, I said a garlic red potato sandwich. Fried potatoes between two slices of bread.) I don't feel like I'm going to die from this. Instead, I think about everything I can do to get out of this. Though it's not going to happen over night - it will happen. I will do whatever the parentals want me to do, regardless of how fucking gay I think it is, I'll do it.
Sometimes I feel like the people in my class don't believe that cooking is a passion of mine. Sometimes I feel like they look down on me because of it. But after tonight, I know that what they think doesn't make a difference. I know that cooking really is a passion of mine. I know it helped me get through tonight. I've never felt such fast acting relief like I did tonight. It was incredible.
Tonight was the night everything fell apart. Tomorrow will be the day I start putting it back together again.
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Recent Comments
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dearbarbz said:
mmmm...I love Coldstone.I used to work at Quiznos Sub, and the only thing that made it suck were the customers.... read more
on Brain Vomit -
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Kristine said:
[this is good]I am a first time reader, and I have to say, this is an mazing post. I cried quietly to... read more
on Happy Birthday, Papa -
dearbarbz said:
It's the simple things--huh--that make life worth living.: )Thanks for the add! read more
on Sun is shining, the weather is sweet
Very nice work. Congratulations! read more
on Tattooo